Being a Mama

Lately I have been thinking a lot about being a mother, or rather, what my role as a mother means.

I have been rewriting words, sentences, and paragraphs trying to express my feelings in the perfectly balanced tone with sensitivity and directness. This has proven more difficult than I originally thought. Rather than preaching about stay-at-home moms vs. working moms,  I think it will suffice to express my experiences as a mom.

When I was younger, I always knew that I wanted to get married and have a family. My mom stayed at home when I was growing up, and so I just assumed that I would do the same with my children. Many of my friends dreamed of the day when they would be at home with their kids-I dreaded it. Just a few weeks ago, my mom reminded me of a time when, after observing her daily activities as a stay-at-home mom, I told her that I thought staying at home with my kids would be the worst thing ever and that I intended to do something more with my life. Teenagers can be so horrible. 

Even when I got pregnant, I did not look forward to this shift of working every day to staying at home. I thought my feelings would change once I held my baby in my arms, but honestly, the first few weeks of being at home with Bo, I felt jealousy for Scott's life. In my mind, he had the perfect balance of life: work during the day and baby at night. Win-win, right?

Anyways, despite these feelings, I stayed home to care for Bo, because that is what Scott and I decided would be best for our family and baby.

Now fast forward to the beginning of June when we found out about Bo's disease.  I can trace my opinion on motherhood, and what it means to me, to these defining moments in the doctor's office. In that moment, I knew that being a mother was the greatest blessing and opportunity that I would ever have. I learned that I needed my child more than he needed me, and I learned that every moment that I have at home with Bo greatly outweighs any degree, title, or paycheck that I had often dreamed of. Although I still have career aspirations and goals, right now is not the time, because right now is not about me.